After a recent hard drive failure, I had to go through all of my old images. Images that I took when I was first starting out, photographing everything and anything. I noticed a few things, one being the amount of original ideas and experimenting seemed to peter out as the timeline went on. Back then, when I was 15-16, I didn't care if it had already been photographed, I got off my butt and did it, and made it mine. Looking at my more recent images, in the last 2-3 years, there aren't all that many photos. And those that where there, lacked brightness, enthusiasm, originality - me. Instead they seemed to portray boringness, sadness, apathy and a general "I'm only taking these because I feel I should" and not "I'm taking these because I WANT to". These images also seemed to have the past years sadness, brokenness & heart break stamped upon them, as I was dealing with my family's breakup, year 12 and redefining myself now that everything I had once known had crumbled. I was now expected to step out of high school knowing what I was doing, where I was going and who I was.
The other ingredient to my artistic standstill, was the fact I received more praise then constructive criticism. Instead of people telling me that they where good images, but could be better. Or pointing out how I could improve, and therefore grow and keep striving to get better, I had people telling me how good I was. Now I'm not hating on the fact that people complimented my work and took the time to praise me, but the fact is, I grew comfortable, and didn't try to experiment and push my boundaries. My images stayed the same, and I grew comfortable and lazy. Where my head used to be over flowing with ideas, and how I could portray and capture them in 2D, I would consider doing so, and then putting it off. "I'll do it tomorrow", or "It's been done to death", or "I really don't want to" replaced my once flowing ideas.
When I finished school, I was bought a new camera, a Nikon D700. Now, firstly being an expensive camera, I was adverse to taking it anywhere that it could be damaged. In my head, that was everywhere except the camera bag. Secondly, because it is a professional nature camera, it had no "auto" settings. The closest was "p" mode, and that never really gave me the images I was used too. I missed the days of my trusty D40, where I could be lazy and make it do all the work and still get the image, and the carefreeness that I had with it because the whole set up was no where near the cost of the D700. This is when my now partner, Sam had come into the scene as well. He was constantly saying how cool "this" or "that" would be in a photo. I'd be frustrated and bored, and I'd ignore him, or brush him off. He kept pushing me to pick up my camera and help him capture the ideas he had, but I kept up my stubborn comfy state.
Entering into 2011, I don't really remember picking up my cameras. At all. I was really sick, in the thick of bitter family breakdown, and trying to keep myself and Sam afloat. December 2011 was a turning point though. My forever amazing, patient Sam bought me something I'd been drooling over since I was 15. My coveted 105mm nikkor macro lens. I attempted to use it, and came up short because I was still lazy, and couldn't be bothered to use manual mode, and program mode just wasn't giving me the images I'd pictured I'd get. 2012 rushed upon me, and I was in a rut. I didn't know what to do now I was better and less stressed. This went on for a few months, until I stumbled upon a blog of a very amazing lady. Her name is Ale, and I read her blog from start to finish.
(http://imaginale.blogspot.com.au/ if you're interested!)
This is what really kicked me up the butt, got me uncomfortable at how lazy I had been, and instead of observing and becoming green with envy over other photographers images, ideas and opportunities, I started to create my own again. I told myself 2012 was my year, for my photography, my graphic design & bettering myself. Once I decided this, my relationships with friends, family and Sam suddenly got so much better. I put more effort into them. Reconfirming that once you love yourself, you can love others better.
I'll shut up for now, and leave you with a montage of images that sparked me to write this post. These are images by my partner Sam. He has some amazing ideas, and where I still can't be bothered, or worry about breaking my camera, he goes there (I still don't know why I let him use my D700 with the 105mm macro in the same vicinity as fire without me - specially seeing as I was worried about me using the camera with fire - let alone Sam, camera in one hand (weighing 2kg) and lighter in the other, but the results speak for themselves).Emily.
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